4 weeks later....

Lucy is still snuggled in her bed at the NICU.

Well, except for when Mommy or Daddy get to hold her. I don't always get to hold her everyday =(  I didn't last night because I got up there so late, and there was a lot going on in the OR and L&D, and it was almost 6:00 ( no visitors from 6-8). And we went up this morning, and I wasn't able to hold her either.  She did get her temperature probe taken off of her body when she hit 3 pounds and 5 ounces (as of Saturday night), and is able to get out once per shift to be held. She weighed in last night at 3 pounds and 6 ounces.Her feedings are up to 28ml, and she tried a bottle last night for the first time! She ate almost half of her 8PM feeding out of it, was pretty messy but did OK, and then did the rest with her feeding tube. I really wanted to be there to see her try it for the first time, but we were at home. I had left just at 6 to come home, and we had planned on going right back up after Landon ate.....we just never got around to it. This is the worst part about her being in the NICU. My baby is 4 weeks old, and she isn't at home. I feel like I've just missed my baby's whole first month of life. I try to think of it as her still being in the womb, since she is secluded basically in an incubator. She shouldn't and wouldn't even be here yet, possibly even about 4 more weeks.But I don't have her inside me, and I can see her outside and hold her, so it just doesn't work. I get upset and worried that it's not going to be the same because she won't know me like she would if she was born regular and came straight home.  She doesn't get to feel me, touch me, hear me, or see me everyday. I've only held her skin to skin 3 times in the last 4 weeks. I guess that is partly my fault for not knowing I could just ask to do it. You hear so much about how skin to skin is important, and my Lucy is just laying in a bed hooked up to cords.
I realized Saturday that I haven't gotten out at all, besides the hospital, since before she was born. The first week, I was in the hospital. The second week, I was in bed most of the time besides going to the hospital because Landon was out of town.Luke went back to work the 3rd week. I did what I needed to do around the house while he was gone, while taking care of Landon, and pumping every 3 hours. Then tried to head to the hospital when Luke was off of work. Somewhere in the 3rd and 4th week we all got the stomach bug! We went to eat Friday night ( I think?), and of course a baby carrier came in right behind us with a little baby girl, and I started to tear up. Then a pregnant girl sat down next to us waiting, talking about how she is due towards the end of February. It's just so WEIRD that I had a baby in me for 30 weeks, being proud and excited of the belly, and had just started fitting into maternity clothes really,strangers always asking about what we were having & what her name is. Now I have her, yet I can't show her off to anyone, it is just a big hole and really makes me feel absolutely incomplete.
 I'm probably the only person who has ever cried when they put away their maternity clothes. Half of it is just because the situation really just sucks and it still upsets me, the other half is because I don't know if I will ever get to pull them out again. I was only 30 weeks and delivered a 2 pound baby, so obviously maternity clothes wouldn't fit my more than like a week after I had her. But I'm not regular size yet, so clothes just make me upset altogether =) We hadn't decided yet if we wanted another or not(but for sure were NOT going to do fertility treatments for the 3rd), and even though I know a few people with HELLP that had a perfectly fine pregnancy afterwards, I just don't know if it's something I can handle worrying about. You have 2 emergency c-sections for random issues that are not related to each other at all, that baffle everyone as to why they happened how they did, and you wonder if it is really worth it to go for it again. It's not something that I need to worry about now, but still in the back of my mind, and putting away maternity clothes made me think about it.
So, I still have moments every day that make me upset. I really think it's something that is not understandable unless you have been at home for a month without your child. It's just a frustrating situation, but we are so thankful that she is healthy and alive. All you ask for is a healthy child, but really? It didn't have to be taken THIS far when it came to that. Never did we want her to be a "long term baby" in the NICU, but it's much better than some other options out there. We just try to keep that in perspective when we get sad. Hopefully, we are almost there! She's growing and progressing more and more everyday. I can't wait to have her home in my arms. I'm not sure if I'll ever put her down!

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