Life these days

We’ve been down a little lately, well, I guess I have been a little down about the chapter in our life that is closing. This might be a little jumpy from subject to subject, but a lot has been brewing in my mind for the past month. It’s now 2012. For about 5 years we’ve ventured into the ‘let’s start a family!’ part of life. I guess most people who know us well, know that we were labeled having very low chances of ever conceiving without medical intervention. Intervention can mean many different things based on the underlying issues. With both pregnancies we lived in 2 week cycles, spent far too much money on tests(ovulation, pregnancy, sperm count/shape/movement, whatever else you can think of), did many many months of medicine ( far too many because I was crazy emotional enough as it was), and did try at IUI. We have two amazing children.

We had decided that if we ever did want more than 2 children, we were leaving out all of the interventions. If we were blessed with another child, we’d be thrilled. If we were not able to, we’d be thrilled with our 2. The road then got a little bumpy. The spina bifida test came back + on Lucy, her heart wasn’t showing 1 side clearly in the ultrasound when they were checking SB, the single artery cord issue, the pre-mature birth, the eclampsia & HELLP syndrome, and the 53 day NICU stay. We’re at the point, still, where we don’t want to take any more chances. We don’t want to be selfish. We have 2 children, and my risk of pre-e & hellp are very high. Yes, it can be caught because I will be monitored like a hawk. But there is no guarantee that it won’t happen as suddenly as it did this time. There is absolutely no guarantee that that baby will be able to stay to term, and we know ALL the odds a preemie has to overcome. And there is absolutely no guarantee that the magnesium will keep me from seizing if we’re in the same situation, and the doctor will be walking Luke into the hallway explaining the possible kidney, liver, & brain damage that I am experiencing again. So it looks, for now, that we are closing this chapter in life. And this leaves me so confused.

I’ve been in the Mom role for a little over 3 years. I had gotten into such a good routine with Landon. I LOVED spending my days with him. Then when I was pregnant with Lucy ( I love being pregnant, having an excuse for a belly, talking about the baby….) things were so exciting & Landon got to get in on the baby fun. Then all of a sudden I was mom to 2 & was in survival & keep my baby alive mode for 2 months. Then we were in bubble mode-- no germs, no visitors, no nothing until RSV season was over" in the spring we were able to breathe again! We’ve hit the 1 year mark, and I don’t know what to do with myself. It’s almost like we just are bringing home a new baby and trying to figure out the 2 kid thing. We take her out of her carrier in public, we can try the nursery ( Ok, Luke isn’t ok with either of those, but I’m trying to get him there!), she is mobile, she is starting to eat more solid foods, she drinks a sippy cup, and I‘m not nursing 4 times a day. I can have a regular life--no more ‘my baby was a preemie, BACK AWAY because we don‘t want to EVER go back into the hospital with this girlie!‘ I should be able to relax and take a deep breath right about now. But it is all new. I just have had SO many different roles over the past 14 months, and the one I am in now is the one I will be in for a long time. We have a different mindset than we have the past 5 years.It’s weird. It’s sad. I’m like having an identity crisis. Change is not my thing.

On the bright side, we’ve been so blessed in the past 18 months. Lucy doesn’t have spina bifida, the Doctor was able to clearly see both ventricles in her heart later on, she was born with no abnormalities from the single artery( and Dr. R was able to get her IV into her umbilical cord on the 1st try--he only had 1 chance with one artery), she had no ventilator, neither of us needed blood transfusions, I didn’t suffer brain damage to the point that my Dr was afraid of, my organs are all working, both of the holes closed in Lucy’s heart with no surgeries, she never was admitted to the ER with sickness the first year, and Lucy has overcome many odds that have been against her since the minute she was born! We have so much to be thankful for and to be happy about. We don’t question that God has a plan for every situation, every person, every trial in life. We don’t know why our outcome has been so lovely, and others we know has just been crappy. We hurt when our friends hurt. It makes me feel completely awful for getting depressed about difficulties and changes in our life when I know the trials others are facing. With as much as we have been blessed with, it makes me feel like I have no right to get hurt or upset about anything. But I do. Like I said, change is not my thing. When you see things like doctors working with a 15 ounce baby to parents planning a nursery and quickly planning a burial, it’s hard to believe your are important with the smaller issues that weigh you down.

So, even though there is sadness in a big chapter closing & figuring out what is next, we are so happy with all we have. We’ve just got to figure out how to be joyful & share our blessings in all we do. So for now I figure out how to do this 2 kid thing the best I can. Even though I don’t feel as though I have as much of a purpose as other times in my life --I‘m not fighting for anyone‘s life or trying to create one or teaching 26 3rd graders how to speak correct grammar & multiply-- I remember that I am a stay at home mom of 2 treasures. I might feel overworked, underpaid, & under loved, but I have been entrusted with 2 beautiful creations. (I still am baffled that I grew two humans inside of my body!) .This is what I am called to do right now.If my only job right now is to feed, bathe, clean, & play then I do it to His glory. And we'll try to remember no matter how small we feel or how small we feel our current problems might be, they are important. We've come to a new place in life ( literally, in a new place too), and will learn to love it!

Psalm 139 says He knows my every thought before I speak it--that God formed me in my mother’s womb & knows what each of my days holds. He goes before us and follows us & he places his hand of blessing on our heads.