What a roller coaster already!I've been able to sort through the WHATS and WHYS of physically what happened with my body, and know what caused which things, and what I was worried about for no reason. =)
It was much easier than I had thought to sleep in my own bed, even with a 2 year old who was crying and wanted to sleep with us. He NEVER sleeps with us, but last night was a first.And it was alright. He is gone for the rest of the week to visit family in KY. He is SO ready to go, and has been begging for his poppy for days! Who wouldn't be relieved to have their 2 year old gone for a few days on normal circumstances? I'm extra glad at this point we have gotten past the potty training stage, and he is good to go for a few days.
We will be spending the next few days together( Luke had vacation anyways) hoping to set up some type of routine.I am pumping for Lucy, so we will have milk to take to her every other day, if not every day. I'm trying to rest and heal as much as I can while we have the time to ourselves. I'm hoping that she will eventually get to breastfeeding only. I know this will be a challenge as we go, and some preemies don't get to the point, or even go home at just one BF a day and the rest bottles. But it is my goal as of now, and is keeping me motivated to pump every few hours.
The emotions did hit hard this morning. My eyelids are about 3x's their normal size. I have a newborn child, and it didn't happen the way anyone wants or plans.I won't be able to wear maternity clothes for another 2 months, and celebrate getting ready for a new life. I can't put her back inside of me now that I am healthy.That chapter was cut short, and we have to deal. I am so very grateful that she is healthy, and am so very grateful for technology and doctors that were able to bring her into this world, and keep her alive.I am grateful that they have test to know what was wrong with me, and to save my life as well. While I feel bratty about saying it, I also don't have a child with me. I won't have a child for at least 3-4 weeks, but I am still her mother. I can't wear a sign around my back to let everyone know that I have 2 kids, I just can't have one of them yet. I know there are many mothers, even close friends of mine, who have been through this. Whether they had their baby in the NICU for 3 days or 3 months, it's the same experience. And it might be something you can't understand unless you have been there, and have had to sort through the emotions.I know I have many people who I/we can talk to. I just think that it is a process that we will have to figure out. And I know that in 4 weeks, it will all be even more of a blur, and she'll be growing, healthy, hopefully breastfeeding, and then we'll just start to worry about Dr. bills =) I also know that even through the unusual circumstances, I am still blessed with 2 children. I never want to take away the joy and gratefulness of that. I know many people who go through trials and still are never able to conceive. We are just starting on this process of sorting through emotions and facts. We will keep learning more about how Lucy is growing, how much she is eating, when certain tubes come out, what milestones she has hit, and all the other confusing things I have already forgotten. I know there are certain factors and formulas that go along with each step she will face, but I will have to be reminded daily I'm sure. I will be keeping you updated!
Thank you again for thoughts and prayers =) If I haven't personally gotten back to you, please know I am thankful for every voicemail, text, e-mail, card, gift, flower, and message I have gotten. I'm still foggy on what happened Monday-Thursday/Friday. So I might have even sent you something, and just not remember it as well. I CAN tell you I have a solution to Starbucks bitter coffee! My mom got Luke a coffee, and it was an americano, because we all know they try to be lazy,and offer that to you, and it sucks! BUT if you want, bite the end of your tongue off, and everything tastes SO SWEET! I took a sip and said "THIS IS THE BEST THING I'VE EVER TASTED!" Yes, I did make the bed awfully bloody from biting my tongue during the seizure. Apparently Amanda and Luke thought it was going to be gone partly. But it is healing, and all in tact =) Hopefully the taste thing will return.