Howell Family

I'm laying in bed watching One Born Every Minute. It's a new show on Lifetime, obviously about babies being born. It's filmed in a hospital in Ohio, something like the busiest L&D ward in the US.They have put a bunch of cameras in the hospital, and are showing all views of things. If Luke was here, he'd tell me to change the channel--he would know I will most likely get sad watching women give birth the 'regular' way as I call it. I know a lot of people who just want a c-section, and never want to think about pushing anything out of there! But I think it is the fact that I didn't have a choice either time. Many girls dream of their wedding growing up. I don't really ever remember that. I think I more enjoyed thinking about being a mommy. I got scared and nervous towards the end of Landon's pregnancy and thought that a c-section would be so much easier, and not having to actually DO anything would be great! But then I felt like I missed out on a little something, there is a little bit of an experience of 'giving birth' that I didn't feel like I got, and I think I felt that way because I didn't have an instant in love feeling with him. And then I really really really wanted to try a vbac with Lucy, and it still hadn't been ruled out at the 28 week appointment. Luke says that as much as I wanted it, he is really happy he never had to sit and wait in a L&D room. We do feel like we still got the 'my water broke , let's rush to the hospital' feeling. I don't know if we drove under 80 the whole way there, I was breathing heavily in and out, my window was all the way down( blocking out sweet Landon's talking and because I was ON FIRE even though there was inches of snow outside), & the hazard lights were blinking. Anyways, I will see how I like the show!
I had a great feeding time with Lucy today. I'm so glad that I am able to hold her now instead of the touching that we started out with for the first 5 weeks. Preemies can't take too much stimulation--only 1 thing at a time. No talking and touching at the same time, no patting, stroking, or any of those things.When we could only hold her 20 minutes a day, this is how we spent the rest of our time with Lucy:

One of my biggest worries, ok maybe not the biggest. I think the medical issues of the present and even in the future that we don't even know about yet are the biggest, but those are so big I tried to block them out. But the worry that brought me to tears the most was that Lucy wouldn't know me, need me, want me, respond to me the same way that a term baby would. She didn't have the constant skin to skin, or even barely any. She was laying in just a diaper in an isolete. But I can't even explain how I felt when she was nursing today. Even though it's just 1 time a day, and not even the best right now, just hearing her little puffs of air when she swallows was the sweetest sound I have EVER heard. I don't think I ever even heard that with Landon. I was too worried, stressed, anxious, and everything else to just listen and relax. Maybe I am just more appreciative of life. I can' explain how thankful I was for that little girl today. I cried happy tears most of the drive home. I know that she knows me, and I know that she needs me. I can't wait until she is at home & resting on me whenever I want her to! Let's just hope this apnea monitor we are lugging home with us doesn't get in the way too much! =)