December 13

7 years ago yesterday, sweet Lucy came into this world weighing 2 pounds 8.5 ounces, and she measured all of 14" long.  While that in itself was crazy, the time surrounding her birth was even more so. 

7 years ago today was a crazy day. Not only did we have a 2 pound baby that I hadn't seen { and had put out of mind because I honestly didn't want to think about her}, but my BP was still sky rocketing, I was still gaining fluid, & there were concerns about my kidneys (output) now from liver issues from HELLP.  I'll never forget the nurse that was with me from the minute I checked in,Suzanne. She was whispering how good my baby would do. She assured me of the loving nurses & the tiniest diapers in the NICU. And she made sure I was okay the next day also. Everyone was getting loud, and my blood pressure was off again. For a few minutes after she got everyone out of my room, Suzanne was going on break. She left me with Glenda. The last thing I remember was joking with Glenda about Wicked. I felt funny & tried to call for my sister. I had a fairly dramatic seizure after my family had been sent out & Glenda was filling in for Suzanne, & only my sister was there. All of the call buttons were broken, there was now blood on my pillows, & Luke was locked out of L&D. Thankfully, I had been left in the first room by the nurses station, and it was for this reason.

The room was soon flooded with specialist & nurses & doctors. I've been told it was like a scene on House. The specialist went around asking who was who & why they were in the room. They went over what had been done & what was going to happen next. I was without oxygen for some time. Luke was later taken into the hallway by my OBGYN to discuss the unknown on how much brain damage I would have. I don't remember waking. But I know that I woke knowing what had happened & who everyone was & why I was there; brain scan cancelled.

The first specialist that I remember coming to see me after the seizure said one thing as he sat on the bed. He said he just wanted me to know first that nothing that happened meant I couldn't have more kids. He then went into what happened and what could have happened. Every doctor told me what could have happened. They also said they had no clue why I didn't have this with baby #1-- that it's not normal to get HELLP with the 2nd baby having the same father, and progressing so quickly and to eclampsia. 

We were going to attempt to walk and take out catheters and all that fun stuff Wednesday, but I mentally wasn't ready.  This also meant I could not wheel down to see Lucy.  I think I might have done half of it Wednesday, but my body wasn't up to much. By Thursday, I had laid in complete silence for about a day. When the TV was on, my mind would race. When it was off, I couldn't shut my eyes. I thought for sure another seizure was coming on. I tried the best I could to just not think. I remember that my pastor had stopped by, I had gotten up to walk, the medicine ( whatever it was) was strong, because I felt nothing when I got up. {And I had participated in that FIRST STAND & WALK after a cesarean with Landon. It is NOT fun. It is actually why I cried " I can't ever do this again" in the shower in the hospital after Landon.}  And even after a long seizure, no incision pain. I told my pastor I was fine and feeling great. I was going to change rooms and I was going to see Lucy!

I was wheeled by Lucy's bed, got to touch her and see her for the first time. This probably did not last long. This was not the pamper's baby on TV. I was hot and dizzy. I just needed to get back into a bed. But once again, nothing could calm my racing mind. I still hadn't lost weight, and my output was still bad. My head hurt, and my tongue hurt from biting it;  I'd turn on the tv and the room would spin & everything was out of control. We'd turn it off and my mind would race, and all the 'could haves' would circle in my head. I'd see that tiny red unformed baby. Then my dizziness would feel just like it did before my seizure, and I just knew it was going to happen again. It wouldn't stop,and at that moment I knew that I couldn't last another minute feeling this way. I don't remember everything, but I know we had an issue with a Doctor that was on call telling me I needed to stay away from medicine. I also had a nurse in my room crying with me because she felt my anxiety. I finally got some medicine and some calm.

This whole delivery caused immediate anxiety attacks, medicines, depression, more anxiety, panic,& some form of ptsd.The first 2 years of Lucy's life changed me as a person. There was so much fear & guilt, & I certainly did not handle our tiny situation as well as I've seen others react in worse.
I was so afraid of what might happen & how people would treat my baby if she wasn't 'normal'. It wasn't her fault, & I was already feeling like I failed my baby 10 weeks before she should have already been born. 

I said last year on her birthday that if someone could have shown me 6 years ago Lucy opening a new pair of ( WHITE & FURRY!! OM GOODNESS I WANTED THOSE SO BAD!!!) ice skates, walking onto that lesson like she owned the rink, & passing 2 ice skating levels on her 6th birthday, I never would have believed it! To think of all my fears and worries about this sweet girl, and to know that she is exactly who she was created to be. I'm so proud of her. I'm so happy for her. And we love her so much! She's passed some big odds, & she's amazing.

She wasn't named Lucy because of her birthday--clearly because she was due to arrive February 22,2011-- but December 13 it St. Lucy's day. There are many different stories and myths surrounding St Lucy, but most of them point to her being an example to serve others and using our time and talents to carry the light of Christ to to others in their time of need.  One thing Lucy's birth and life have taught us is how to help others.  One small thing Lucy does every year is take receiving blankets to her NICU. We try to offer just a small glimmer of hope to those parents sitting in that NICU spending their first Christmas somewhere they never planned to be.  The name Lucy means light. We pray that she is always a light to those in need. 

And to those still going through the trenches with development & behavior & eating, just know you're not alone. I'll listen and cry with you.

So now we move on. We have gotten past all 3 birthdays! We will celebrate Landon & Lucy Saturday, and then move on to Christmas!