Bedtime

There's only 1 of me most nights at bedtime. Luke is away a minimum of 65 hours a week at work and including travel time to and from work. Especially now, with me working a few hours a week at the farm, he has to close more nights a week. I just don't have the patience or hands to have a good bed time routine with all three. Ella is still nursing right  before she heads off to bed on most days. She is very distract able. I put Lucy's pajamas on her, and put her in her bed to read. I then send Landon to get himself ready for bed, and then he usually can sit in my bed or on the couch and watch a show after he has gotten the rest of the toys put away. He loves helping put those last few toys away that Lucy missed; he  knows he is staying up later, and he thinks he is big stuff. I get Ella ready for bed, feed her, send Landon to his room, and then stick Ella in her bed to fall asleep if she hasn't already. Landon waits in his bed for me. Tonight Lucy was SCREAMING TAGGIES ARE IN THE CAR!TAGGIES ARE IN THE CAR! She had taken her tag blanket with use earlier to the post office, and was just devastated that they were still in the car. I sent Landon to tell her to be quiet two times while I was feeding Ella  ( and she was trying to drift off to sleep), but she was not having any part of me forgetting about her blanket in the car. By the time I got back to her room, turned their light off, and got Ella into her bed, I told Lucy just to lay down & I'd go get them. When I came back in, I just threw them into her bed & told her sweet dreams. I whispered into Landon's room as I passed by, and headed straight to get the clothes out of the dryer, move the wash over, and vacuum the living room. Then I turned off the vacuum and went straight back to Lucy's room. I just needed to hug her and rock her before she went to sleep. I sat down & just started to cry .FLASHBACK to New Years day--18 days old:

Oh I just see that tiny body and long head with tubes when I hold her sometimes in the rocking chair. Sometimes I'm stuck mentally in the WHAT IFs still. I just know something else is going to pop up. I just know everything really isn't fine. I just know once she starts school we will see more things showing up. The part of this that Luke doesn't understand is the part of me that was intended to hold that baby, grow that baby, provide a safe place for up to 42 weeks--that part of me failed. Whether I had any control over it or not, I will always feel like whatever comes from the 29 week birth will always come back to me. My first thoughts when visiting her for the first time ( that stick with me) were that I had no clue what would come of this. And if my poor baby had a disability, a delay, any problem, and someone were to make fun of her for it, I would just want to die. My poor baby had no choice, it was my body. She didn't deserve any pain--physical or emotional--and I hated that it wasn't her fault.

I look at her now, and I just cry thinking back. The first 2 years were HARD. But she is doing great. She is wonderful. She is smart. I tell her every day that she is not allowed to turn 3 in a few months! She is too sweet right now at 2, and I don't ever want her to grow up!

I want to be able to rock my babies EVERY night. I want to read them all books and sing to all of them and lay with them in their bed or crib. Some nights I just don't.

Tonight I am glad I did. And tonight I am so thankful that I don't have to wait on someone to get my baby out of her bed. I'm so thankful that I can hold her whenever I want and for however long I want. I'm so thankful that I'm not worrying about oxygen tubes being kinked. I am so thankful for my Lucy!